-We love marriage just as much as we love weddings. Take a moment to prepare not just for the wedding, but for the marriage-
More than anything else, communication is usually what you tend to hear as being most important to a good marriage. I have always struggled with this concept, because Paul and I both are big talkers, yet we still run into miscommunications. You may have heard that one of the differences between men and women is that women tend to discuss their feelings about a situation while men tend to try to figure out the problem in a situation in order to fix it. As we have seen in our own experience, this difference in communication can cause disagreements and tension, because while one person is having a conversation about fixing something, the other is just sharing feelings. Then recently while reading Saving your Marriage before it Starts by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot, I found the best pieces of advice regarding communication that I never heard anywhere else:
“Simply label the type of conversation you want to have [fixing or feeling] and ask your partner to join you.” (p.92)
How did I not think of this before?! And how did someone not say this to me before?! It truly is simple as they say. Paul and I knew from the beginning of our marriage that while he was analyzing my stories to find and fix my problem, I just wanted him to listen and validate my feelings. Paul was not doing anything mean or bad by doing this – just different from what I wanted and was hoping for. Which lead to each of us feeling misunderstood. I thought having this knowledge of how we communicate differently was all we needed to improve these communication skills – until I read that line. I shared this with Paul and he agreed it was a great idea. We have been trying to implement that ever since. We certainly are not perfect, we still have miscommunications and often forget this amazing bit of advice. But whenever we have remembered it makes the world of difference. Not only does it prevent us from miscommunication, disappointment, and misunderstanding it also turns a would-be hour long disagreement into a lovely 10 minute bonding conversation.
Plus, this works both ways. It is not just something for men to do or for women to do, but something both of us can do. Because we each have those times where we just need a listening and caring ear. Just last week Paul came home feeling a little upset and discouraged. He told me what was going on so I told him all the reasons why he had nothing to worry about. A few minutes afterward, realizing that he was not happy with the conversation, I remembered this concept. I came back to him and told him I realized this was a “feelings” conversations and not a “fixing” conversation. I did my best to validate his feelings and give him words of encouragement by saying things like I know you must be feeling overwhelmed. This is not easy. You are doing a great job. Everything will turn out for the best.
*Carolyn
p.s. The above photo is from Cecilia & John’s Wedding who will be celebrating their anniversary in just 2 weeks. Happy Anniversary Cecilia & John!!
